Thinking!!!

This blog has got me thinking. 

Made me feel that I had to find something to write about, lol.  Well, I think it worked, I have been doing alot of thinking.  It is time to make some decisions about life.  I realize I have been sitting in the middle of the open doors.  The past should be totally closed and the future wide open, but instead, the doors to both have been swinging for years.  I have spent way to much time trying to go back and "correct" the past.  From childhood thru my "grownup" years.  I have yet to let go of the "childhood" years.  My childhood was not all bad, by any means.  I can remember laughing and playing, but I also remember the pain and being terrified.  I can remember just wanting someone to understand, I just needed love and attention.  You see, no one ever really talked to the kids about things that were going on in life, I remember the racial riots in my town.  Was a horrible and confusing time.  I believed my dad when he said, "everyone is sleeping with a gun and one eye open."  I don't think I slept for about 5 years, crying and just wanting my mom or dad to come and comfort me.  But to them, I was just a bad child.  Well, I could go on and on, but that is not what this blog is about.  I think part of it is that I never felt a part of a family, not even when I was married or having children.  I have let those feelings follow me thru out my life.  But, no more.  That is what this is all about.  I have decided to let go, realize that I am important and what I want in life is just as important as everyone else. Maybe I didn't get the love and attention that I thought I needed in my past, but that is the past.  Time to close those doors, lock them tight and swing the new doors wide open. 

As for the new doors, they have been open, I have tried to step though and have even been over the threshold a few time, but something always pulls me back.  When I start to go thru those doors, someone from the past always tries to make me feel guilty, accusing me of moving on without them.  Is not that I want to go without those in my past, but I do want to move forward and they don't allow me to do that.  They constantly make me feel guilty and then I pull back.  Time has come to let go, to move forward and be truly happy.  The life I have now is absolutely wonderful and I know that I am loved.  If I can just turn loose of the negativity of the past and yes, even turn loose of those people that try to drag me back into that web of negativity.  I have spent alot of time thinking of what and where I want to be in 5 or 10 years from now.  Yes, I do miss alot of things/people from my past, but my life is different now and some of them just refuse to accept that.  I cannot and will not allow them/that to stop me from living the life I want.  To actually be happy and be what I know I can be.  The door to what I want in life has been open for about 10 years now and I have been too afraid to go thru it and let the doors behind me totally close.  But, that is going to change.  Those that wish to be a part of something that I know will be absolutely wonderful, are invited to come along.  I will not be made to feel guilty for letting go of all the hurt and pain.  I did hurt in my past, hurt so much there were times I didn't want to go on, but I held it all in and tried to adapt.  I am officially letting go of all that pain and letting my life become what it was meant to be.  I am a good person and I will go on and be a happy, healthy and loving person.  When I say, "Life is Wonderful," that is exactly what it is. 

This may seem a little different than what I usually have to say, but it is long overdue in saying.  I am not asking for sympathy, pity, or anything like that, I am just asking for understanding.  Understanding that I have a need, a yearning and a right to live my life the way that makes me happy and complete.  Thanks for reading and hopefully you will be coming along on a beautiful and exciting ride thru life.  Live, Laugh and Love!!!